bleh

today it rained all day and my whole town has been enveloped in a very twin peaks fog. normally I find comfort in this atmosphere, but today I just feel crushed by it. Fog isn't light, it's heavy. it swarms and consumes. it hides things and makes the path not as clear.

I'm going to college, that I know. But I want to go to a rigorous and challenging one, with people of the same mindset as me. while they're only one part of the application, having test scores on the lower end of the spectrum that my most loved schools accept scares me. college is scary, there's no certainties, and it's very much a lottery. most of my friends are seniors, and so all this talk about applications is rampant.

I know I'm going to college, but is it bad to want something more than that?

I watched this mini-documentary about the changing climate, and I'm not much of a nature hippie, but it made me cry. A few weeks ago I watched this documentary recommended by my chem teacher and I felt a weight on my chest. And I don't think I really figured out why I had that weight until yesterday: I don't want to spend my life in an office. for a while I think I was hell bent on this idea that I would work in international relations, because I've taken some related classes and I'm good at it, but an old friend reminded the other day: you shouldn't do stuff just because you're good at it, you should do it because you want to. I suddenly started researching completely different degrees than I had in the past, more science oriented ones, and I felt excited about college again.

deciding what you want to do with the rest of your life is hard, and I'm just coming to accept that.

sorry for this throw up of thought and negativity.

A